Local Man Repeatedly Loses Horse In Video Game

If you had asked Richard Perkins whether or not he would be upset that he kept losing his horse 6 months ago, he would have called you a crazy man! However today is a completely different story for the 26 year old Perkins, who purchased Red Dead Redemption at a midnight sale and went right for his Mom's basement.

"I love this game. I just keep losing my horse. How am I supposed to get from the MacFarlene Ranch to Armadillo if I keep losing my trusty steed?" Perkins said. "You know how long it takes to walk?"

When reached for comment, Richard's mother Annette had just this to say, "He's kinda troubled. I guess coat hangers will do that."

Local Woman Pleased By Manners

A local woman was very pleased by the manners expressed by her Freestyle Lite Blood Sugar Counter.

"It said Hi to me. I thought that was such a lovely and pleasant thing for it to do. More of these devices should be so nice." said the 44 year old Alice Grimes of Baton Rouge, Louisiana. "I wish my cell phone was as polite as this. All it ever tells me is that I need to charge my battery. How rude!"

When we attempted to reach Miss Grimes for further comment, we had discovered that she slipped into a coma and died.

Instant Replay Reverses Jesus' Touchdown

Fans were outraged Sunday when what they thought to be a touchdown by their Lord and Savior, Jesus H. Christ of the Toledo Nazarenes, was overturned after a view of the instant replay.

"He was robbed!" Said local fan Ezra Wrinklebottom. "He was robbed all those years ago on the cross and he was robbed again today!".

Officials claim that Christ's foot was out of bounds and he didn't have complete control of the souls he was in charge of at the time.

"Upon viewing of the tape, he didn't have both feet in bounds. I'm sorry that was a game changer but the rules are the rules. We can't break them, even for a player like Jesus." and official said when questioned.

Christ has been a wide reciever for the Nazarenes for over 33 years and doesn't plan on retiring any time soon. Even after Sunday's seemingly botched call.

"It's just a game. I'm going to continue to play until no one wants to see me on the field anymore. I just hope it's not too soon. I've noticed the dwindling attendance in the seats, but that doesn't mean I don't love all my fans.". Christ said when reached for comment.

You can see Christ and the rest of the Nazarenes next Sunday take on the Miami Beach Yentas.